My morning and my afternoon taste the same. When I wake, I go to sleep and my mind stops thinking one hour after I close my eyes. I understand that night and day only differ in the amount of light present and a it’s all the same to a blind person. My pain is internal and invisible and I cannot visualize it even if I close my eyes. When I walk, I put one foot in front of the other unless I’m going backwards. I don’t really love anybody. I don’t really like anybody. I don’t really like anything. I understand that earthly possessions are feeble and easily obtainable and lost. I don’t believe in change.
I am the ghost of the smile that my face used to draw. I am advertising’s prophet. I am a retarded lab rat trying to find the cheese in my uni dimensional labyrinth. I am the son of the television and the cinema. I am the response you thought about ten seconds after you were supposed to respond. I am the bully. I am the slave. I am the underpaid teacher who got kicked out of the school before summer vacation. I am the accountant who died of a heart attack during rush hour. I am your impossible dreams and aspirations. I am your future and I am angry. I am the plane you leave in, the bar you drink in, and the bed you fuck in. I am hate everlasting. I am the sarcastic perception of love. I am the knife that falls from the kitchen counter and cuts off your little finger. I am the teddy bear you had as a child. I am not your friend.
If I had a penny for every time I have told someone I love them I would have ninety three dollars and seventy six cents, and my account would show no movement since March. If I wanted to get my point across I would just make you a fucking diagram and spread glitter all over it. If I needed help I would make a sign. If I desired to get away from all of you I could just walk four hundred miles and sleep in a park and forget I ever knew every single one of you. If I seem desperate then you need to adjust your reception. If I had a dollar bill for every time I’ve thought about something romantic involving the two of us I would be a self-made millionaire and you’d still be as unreachable as you’ve always been.
I don’t believe in romance and I don’t believe there exists such a thing as soul mates and i don’t think anyone’s meant to be with anybody much less you and me. believe as much as I try to get away from depression it sort of has a way of getting inside my head. As much as girls in big frame glasses drive me crazy I don’t think I’ll ever find somebody who’s as interesting and honest as I want them to be. I don’t believe I’ll be around for most of the exciting stuff in life. I understand that sexual relations are nothing but sexual contact and that kisses mean nothing nowadays. I understand my complete lack of empathy for my entire species. I am strange and cold and I rarely express my true feelings. I understand you’re pretty but being pretty doesn’t make you anything else than pretty.
The day I hate everyone and everything is the day i’m truly enlightened and must fear no more. If you read me, you know who I am and you know what I want and you know I dislike getting what I want. The fact that you’re not wearing any underwear is just as negligible to me as the weight of your soul is to the world. I am neither aroused nor expectant and I’m really craving a long silence.
Nikolas Murdock Is Probably Hiding 