Lately I’ve been dealing with the newly found tribulation that I seem to be ever so slowly falling in sweet sweet love with you. I may be using the word ‘sweet’ a bit too liberally here. It’s been a while since I wrote one of these texts so I guess I should remember some things.
I have been in love three times in my life. I have had five relationships. I wasn’t in love in the first one. I was in love in the second one. I wasn’t in love in the third one. I was in love in the fourth one. I wasn’t in love in the fifth one. This would be my sixth if there was a relationship to talk about and I could from this moment say that I am kind of in love with you. Maybe not yet, fully.
Yes, maybe all this longing I feel for you and this nervousness that plagues my thoughts and dreams every night is nothing but a humorless joke by my subconscious to make me have a romantic adventure while I’m still young. I’m 22.
No one I know is getting married yet but all of my friends have girlfriends which leads me to believe that maybe this falling in love thing is nothing but my mind replicating the feelings he sees going on around me. Although I can feel, deep inside my brain, that your smile makes me swoon (a word which I don’t fully understand but that seems to perfectly summarize my feelings).
I’ve recently started looking at your pictures more and more. I even showed one to my friends. At first I was nervous that one of them may suddenly fall in love with you and I may have no chance of actually being with you and then I’ll have to awkwardly attend casual reunions where you are assisting while accompanying a friend of mine. So far, they all seem to find you just fairly pretty, not excessively. This fact makes me deeply angry, because while I don’t want any of them to fall in love with you, I also want them to think you are the prettiest girl in the world, because you are. I think you are.
The other day a dream about you. I can’t remember the specifics, but I can remember we kissed. I asked you, is this really happening? You said “No, but this is” and then we kissed again. I cannot defend the lines in my dream. I did not write them. After we kissed, we just assumed that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I introduced you to my friends, who if I remember correctly had just turned into the characters from the big bang theory show. They all liked you. Then came the really weird part. As I was introducing you to one of my non T.V appearing friends, I forgot your name. I stood there, awkwardly trying to remember what your name was. You got furious and left. I didn’t blame you. I think we were at a party. I tried looking for you , but it was futile. After some time I found you and I begged for your forgiveness. I said I was very sorry and I had no idea why I could not remember your name (because I still couldn’t). I explained my brain sometimes did idiotic things that I had no control over. I said I loved you. As I waited for the lashes of abuse, your expression changed. You said you understood. You hugged me. We kissed.
Now, I’ve had my fair share of dreams and nightmares, but that has got to be the greatest moment of my oneiric life. I have never been as happy as I was in that dream, or as thoroughly disappointed as I was when I woke up. I went back to sleep, but I can’t remember the rest of the dream. It probably wasn’t anything important. Not like you are.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. Sooner or later I am going to have to burden you with my feelings because there’s no other way I can keep living. I can’t keep every time I think of you and I can’t keep looking at your pictures and I can’t keep dreaming about you. Either I continue with you, or I stop.
I know this is not your fault, and I’m sorry.
I am so very, truly sorry.