She was wearing a flower dress but what else is new besides I seem to only write about girls in flower dresses it’s like dress racism. Tank tops are also nice but I guess that’s old school and what I mean is I think that’s what I used to really like and my priorities have changed and when you have priorities about dresses something must surely be wrong with you as there is with me. Not just something but a bunch of things I assume.
Anyway I had seen her before but done this thing where I try to decide whether she’s cute or not and cute is a coward word because it has no real equivalence in the spectrum of beauty like does it qualify as something between average and beautiful or is it just used when you don’t want to use the word you actually want to use and we should use always the words we want to use. Adverbs in this sense have recently become a way to cancel what you’re saying like saying probably after you said something just to make sure people don’t count on the fact that you know what you’re talking about because you don’t. No one does.
They take selfies and dress nicely and are of the opinion that the project that they’re making is going to change the world when most of us are just acting like it. Then she walked on stage and it’s like her dress is not even touching her body like it’s levitating at the exact same speed she’s walking she’s pushing it with her thoughts or gravitation or magnetic forces that attract and repel at exactly the same time and it cancels out yo. It straight up cancels out.
Some girls do this thing she does and that is that they turn their head and their hair flies with it and in one slight instant every hair seems to be orbiting her and it’s like she’s a universal object living in a world with no rules and then like everything it stops. Some of us just have to deal with the fact that we fall in love with everyone all the time and after a while we just explain it like we never love anything. I remember when I used that word seriously saying I love you with a straight face because we hadn’t told ourselves that that wasn’t it. Not exactly anyway.
And once she told me not the flower dress girl but someone else said that that isn’t it. It’s infatuation and I looked it up and it sure as hell seemed like that’s what it was it so I just say I’m infatuated with everything. There’s this weird feeling I get when I’m looking at the floor or at the hairs on my arm and I wonder if anything really means anything but I can’t perpetually believe nothing means anything because it would just be like I went back to being five when everything was playgrounds and falling and little rocks on your knees and earthquakes and dinosaurs were god. Power rangers were possible because of course I could build a Megazord with enough knowledge of engineering and whole lot of metal and maybe a couple hundred workers under my command but that’s not the way I put it I just said I could totally build a Megazord.
Her face reminds me of pokemon for some strange reason like it’s the face of a two-dimensional anime girl like the kind I liked when I was ten when I discovered Sakura Card Captors. And she was ten like me I think I don’t really remember but back then everyone I knew on the television was either my age or close to it so I felt like I was living in the same world where beasts existed and magic was just some thing you stumbled into when you visited your grandfather. It was in really old books and you didn’t even have to read them you just opened them and pop now you can do magic and command electricity and unless you close your eyes your laser stare will kill everyone around you or cut off that light post and is that what the things that carry electricity are called?
And I try to stay objective when people talk about making money and inventing the next big thing but underneath I think fuck no yes I want to make money but I don’t JUST want to make money and it constantly disconnects me from my teachers and the headmaster and they all just think that boy is mediocre he’ll probably never do anything meaningful with his life and that just depends on your definition of MEANINGFUL. Because in the grand scheme of things everything is meaningful just as nothing we do is meaningful at least not at this stage unless you’re a twenty four year old who has already cured cancer in his room or built a well for African people and my teachers are constantly telling me that building wells for African people is the surest way to get into heaven and mostly I just think Heaven would be boring as hell because eternity does not seem like something desirable.
Someone once told me that the reason I stutter is because my brain works faster than my mouth and they can’t keep up and I believe that sometimes I think what I want to say is going to take too long so I try to make the torture as quick as possible and I fail miserably every time and it just seems like someone is really bad at scratching records and is completely out of tempo like that movie about the drummer and the bald guy who’s really angry all the time.
My first favorite movie was Toy Story and I asked my parents to take my sister and I to see it three times and I was about five but I don’t know for sure and I’m not motivated enough to google in what year Toy Story came out did it come out in ninety five? And I think she had a nice smile in the calming kind of way like when you’re in love with this girl and she doesn’t know and it’s not really love but when she smiles some organ inside you starts doing things it doesn’t usually do and you can’t pinpoint exactly what organ it is because people say it’s the stomach but when it happens I’m not conscious enough to be looking for organs inside my body thank you very much.