Some Kind Of Wonderful

If we let go of the thrill of the chase, what have we got?

Nothing.

It is imperative for us to keep trying at new and different things and actions. We talk to someone new, we try the same style of conversation as before and maybe we get away with something but it is not enough. We need to try new methods; expand our horizons. However familiar it might be to constantly repeat the same patterns, it shall always be more exciting to prey on the edge of our comfort zone and occasionally step further.

I’m not saying this is about a girl but it is. If you read me you know me far better than I know myself because I cannot remember most of the things I’ve written so far but know this, if my life is a repetition of my previous life, then I really feel like going against it. If we cannot constantly defy the boundaries of what makes us ourselves, then we must be doing something wrong.

Sure, we must have permanent elements like the pursuit of love and happiness and an ever growing desire to make ourselves better and smarter and overall a better person, but we still need constant reminding of those facts. We may give up occasionally and cry inside our bathrooms wishing all the memories that hurt out minds would just go away. We might pray on whichever god we choose to make us whole again; to bring us back to a time when things were simpler: When coffee cups and half-empty bags of popcorn actually meant something to us, or when crossing the city was an affordable luxury. Remembering those times is not counterproductive, what is counterproductive is staying in the loop. Thinking things are going to go back to the way they were just because we wish it.

People change. Roads, cities, music and art they change too. Though we might love to think of past loved ones every time someone leaves us, we know those people have changed. We have changed. Getting back together is only an option when both people accept that they are not perfect. They are people who keep changing who they are and what the world means to them. Only when we accept these changes do we become enlightened.

People who cannot change are doomed to stay in a fish bowl of the same opinions and points of view. They will concede defeat without ever even trying to look outside their tiny bubble. They will throw themselves to the floor when things go wrong, cursing the heavens in futility. People who cannot change are cursed to repeat their lives, with the same factors and consequences, over and over again. They will react the same to every stimuli and their day-to-day will be filled with constant moaning at what the tides have brought them.

Well, not me. I vow to be ever-changing. I vow to think there is one more stair than there actually is. I vow to drink more than I should and eat until way after I have had my fill. I vow to get nervous when a girl talks to me and to try to have a formal conversation with a stranger. I vow to dress in a suit for no apparent reason and to eat my cereal soaked in water, should the soy milk ever run out. I vow to change my way of talking and walking and laughing and singing with no previous warning.

I will catch people off guard. I will repeat my life over and over but I will try to do so in a different way every time just so it does not get boring. I will chase after girls and I will be politely rejected and half-assedly accepted and loved in very few cases, but that is what the chase is all about. That is what my mind keeps chasing and my body keeps raising the bar to make me stronger and quicker and smarter. I will embody that thrill and become enlightened. Because, if we let go of the thrill of the chase, what have we got?

Nothing.

Advertisements

I remember when I could still go inside a ball pit without people looking at me funny. I would start burying myself until I could no longer see anything but red, blue and yellow. Then I would just lay there until somebody called for me. Those was probably the most peaceful moments of my life.

The Welcome Mat

This is the first post of the new home of my blog. It´s a very cozy home. When I closed my previous blog, it felt like I was saying goodbye to an old friend. Rather, I was killing that old friend. That did not feel at all comfortable. However, a god friend of mine convinced me to bring it back, and here it is. All my posts are back and they´re feeling pretty excited to have been brought back from the dead.

Anyway, here we are. Writing again. Addiction like.

Lately, I’ve been writing a lot in blank sheets of paper. Both sides, so as to help the environment. I’ve written a lot about feeling lonely and being completely zen and ignoring everything that happens to me and I’ve come to a few conclusions. Maybe just one big conclusion with a couple of tiny mini-conclusions added.

I can’t remember a lot of things. When I started the previous blog I had a girlfriend. She was nice. I remember she was nice. I can’t remember anything else about her. I mean that. We were in a relationship for a month and I can’t remember how it was. I can’t remember what we did or where we went or anything else about that month. I think I was in a very dark place; a dark place I have since graduated from. I took me a long time to get over that relationship. I remember that.

However, recently I came out of another relationship. One that took way more effort and that I had been expecting for a very long time. It was a very intense relationship that lasted something like three months. Then she broke up with me. I was very sad. I was briefly completely destroyed. Through the power of friends and keeping myself busy, I came through. Something a year ago had made me gloom and doom for about three months took me no time at all to get over.

She has a new boyfriend now. One that is uglier than me, if i may be so bold( and I may since this is my blog). I have a lot of interests that I’m paying attention to now. I knitted a scarf. I learned how to tie knotts. I wrote new music. I started a webcomic. I’ve since started taking more photographs and filming more. I’ve started work in a new novel. I discovered statistics and probability and am very happy about it. I saw new series and movies and other things.

This is a welcome mat to you, the new reader. If you’re reading this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. This is not a particularly good entry but I’m sure you will find something you like if you keep scrolling down. I’ve written poems and stories and put them here so anyone can read them. Some of the things I write are dark, and some are bright. You are welcome to read them all, or none of them. Thanks again.

Nikolas