I may seem repetitive, but I have recently found that I draw the same conclusions from different circumstances. This may mean that i have the correct conclusions, it also may mean that I’ve become biased.
People adhere themselves to a set amount of rules to guide their lives. It doesn’t matter which aspect I’m talking about, because it’s all the same. We are used to choosing things based on what is best for us, and not always on what we actually want. We place conditions on most things, afraid to take chances and let our own chances take us where we want to go. Of course, free will is an illusion, nevertheless…I don’t know what my point is anymore.
Even those of us who hate social rules and bindings are forced to follow guidelines that seem to have no purpose. We cannot speak openly because, as “A few good men” put it, people can’t handle the truth. We make ourselves swallow our words and let out only those ideas which we know people will be able to process normally. We shut up in the face of adversity, even if we know we may win, because we know full-comprehension is a difficult science to master, even if all it needs is for us to observe more cautiously. We are ashamed of our way of thinking because it’s not anyone else’s, and that makes us different. We know “different” means “bad”.
This is mostly why we desire companionship. This is why we feel the unending downwards push of our loneliness at night. We desire so desperately to cross lines with someone with similar thoughts, that we cannot think of much else at all. This is also why we hold hands so intensely. When we hold hands, out lines intersect completely for long spaces of time. If we let go, we know not where our lines will take us or our significant companion. Frankly, it’s all we can do to hold on and refuse to let go.
Nevertheless, we can conclude correctly that the main reason we desire companionship is because we lack it. We lack something we want, and it makes us vicious. It makes us desperate and envious. It makes a certain dark spot in our souls grow bigger and it frequently drives us temporarily insane. I tend to repeat myself, but that’s just because I believe it to be true. I may tire and bore you with my incessant stream of constant repetition and mindless blabber, but when I find someone who is not tired and bored and actually gives an insignificant damn about any of the stuff I write or say, then i will be complete. Only then will I stop. Only then will I look upon you rule-following, control freaks and smile, because I have full comprehension. I understand each of you completely, even the ones that i don’t want to understand. You don’t have to talk to me, or look at me, or smile at me if you don’t want to, because I don’t want that. I don’t want you. I am sick of asking for your attention and getting empty words back. I am tired of writing my honest feelings and watching you swat it away. I will not waste my breath on you.
This is the part were I wave good-bye.