Shit this cereal is good.
It’s so good.
Often, people stop me in the street and ask me “Nikolas, what is your favorite cereal?” And after I’ve stared them down enough to know they’re harmless, I tell them “Captain Crunch”.
That has nothing to do with this particular review, but is still an amusing anecdote.
So where to start? Perhaps it would be best to set our time machines to yesterday when I went to the supermarket looking for cereal, but made a life-long friendship. I was just coming out of the grief Zucaritas Power Balls caused me. Pending review, of course, but suffice it to say it was a stormy relationship.
Anyway there I was, again in the cereal aisle. A parade of the old invaded my senses. There’s old chocokripsis, next to Mr. Froot Loops. They’re having a chat with their old friend Prof. Trix, about how none of them have evolved in forever. Even the usual reject, Dr. Corn Pops, was having a word in edgewise.
Something was different today, though. There was something strange in the air. So, following my nose and keen sense of direction, I left the cereal aisle. I quickly remembered I was supposed to buy a cereal so I returned after buying a couple of conchas from the bakery. And when I returned, filled with life, I came across this fucking guy.
Let me tell you about this asshole right here. First, it smells just like fucking normal Nesquik. It leads you on a mysterious path of blindness like Daredevil with his prey. So you put it in a bowl and get some milk in there. The usual stuff. Everything normal so far.
I must admit that the only reason I opened the box is because I had to munch on something and I was already two feet out the door when I remembered this guy and realized I didn’t have to go anywhere after all. I had cereal. Easy.
However, I was not prepared for the serving of kickass this cereal was ready to unleash inside my mouth. Nothing could have prepared me. The chocolatey taste mixed in with the smooth caramel rolls off your tongue like the flames of a thousand kingdoms heating the pot in which little angels mix and beautify mankind’s dreams. There’s a subtle touch of saltiness at the back of your tongue that ties it all up, and declares itself your toy to do as you wish. It’s almost sexual.
Oh but the milk. I have heard of mystical fountains that ancient warriors would drink from and obtain eternal life. It is said that this is the sweetest of liquids, and that a single drop is itself more exquisite than the finest wine. However, after tasting the milk leftover from Nesquik Caramelo, I know now how that legendary (legend-dairy?) drink must taste like. It tastes like win.
If you would like Nikolas Murdock to review your favorite cereal, please leave a comment below or contact the him at email@example.com. Thank you for reading.