This is not what you want. This has never been what you want. Life has never really been what you want, except for selective instants of brief illumination. Why would you desire any of this? The death? The tears? The anxiety?
Truth be told, you just want a picture of yourself holding a guitar and smoking a cigarette in grayscale. All you want is to watch one more movie that makes you cry. To buy a game and not move from the couch for six hours. To live long enough to read your favorite book aloud to your kids. To find someone to talk to every day about stuff that you actually care about. To write something you feel good about again. To draw something that you feel good about again. To read a book that feels right again. To sing a good song. To hear a perfect song for the first time.
You just want to attempt suicide and be driven to a hospital and wait to see who comes to visit so you can actually know that they care about you. You want to drink drain cleaner. To be noticed by someone again. To be ignored. You’re seconds away from veering left and crashing your car into a tree. You want to think about something positive again. To think of puppies and kittens and those tiny rodents you like so much. You want to laugh sincerely and not frown after. You want to stay positive throughout an entire day.
This is what I want. Probably what you want. Possibly what everyone wants. Maybe you just need a haircut. To lose the beard. Exercise more. Take a hot shower. Eat better. Study more. Read less depressing books. Write more often, even if it´s shit. Stop eating ice cream, since you´re lactose intolerant. Stop yourself from thinking everyone is an idiot. Lose a couple dozen pounds. Make more muscle. Go out to night clubs. Finish college. Become an active member of society. Marry someone you think is just OK. Have a couple of kids. Have stressful days and normal days and outstanding days. Celebrate birthdays and anniversaries with routine parties. Get a stable job. Buy a house. Bury your parents. Move to a different town. Bury your friends. Work until you are sixty years old. Retire. Buy a house on the beach. Do nothing. Die. Repeat.