Tiny Pictures Are Driving Me Crazy

All see of you is a tiny picture and a green light. The light supposedly tells me when you’re on your computer.

And what I write does not seem to be that meaningful and I can’t really draw for shit and all the time I’m staring at you like some kind of really freakish stalker which I really don’t want to be but am. I’m already sick of having been angry and I’m hoping I’m not angry like that for a long time and still here I am looking at your picture thinking about clicking it and sending you a message saying “hello”, which will let you know immediately that I like you and, honestly, that’s a little scary.

It’s a little scary because it takes me about a year to grow a pint of self-esteem. My last misadventure took me four months to get over and, even if I feel like I have some self-confidence back, what some people have told me convinces me that my self-confidence is nothing but a necessity my mind has to desperately search for someone I can finally be with. A mind thinking of itself is never sure of anything. My days are spent asking myself if I actually like you or if you’re just very pretty. Which you are. The thing is, I’ve only heard your voice once and completely forgotten how it sounds. I’ve never made conversation with you.

If I talk to you, I don’t know how you’re going to react to my aversion to pop music, or nightclubs, or getting drunk, or thinking rationally, or common sense. Nothing’s for sure but maybe you’ll hate me. Sooner or later i’ll have to tell you that I tried to commit suicide thrice now; I love flaunting that around. I don’t know how you’ll react to that. Maybe suicide makes you sick. Maybe suicidal people disgust you. Maybe depressive people disgust you too. Maybe you won’t like the movies I like. Maybe you hate the books I read.Your friends probably hate me. Maybe you do too already.

The bottom line is, it’s hard to decide if I really like you or if you’re just one of the dozen girls I’ve liked this year. Either way I’ll probably talk to you once my procrastination wears off or I get a little more confidence.

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