It’s funny how perception comes and goes and even if you pretend to be ok, your inner self knows you’re actually pretty miserable. Sure, I talk big and act like are going to be just fine, but that’s just because I want other people to believe it. Actual fact is, I’ve kind of forgotten what it feels like to truly smile. I’ve forgotten how it feels to really enjoy oneself and let things go. These days, as all days, I depend on music to cheer me up. Like an IV, those songs seem to just get me through the day. I relish on fake emotions. As far as perception goes, I can still see how a bird flying from a tree is both significant and beautiful. I can still appreciate the uniqueness of the wind flowing in a field, I just can’t make it affect me. I am, for lack of a better word, bitter. Very bitter. I am always in some kind of emotional pain and I get very angry with very little. Still, I find some comfort in playing music regularly and hearing the same songs over and over.
Today I went by your house. Like, not in front of it, but near. I remembered I could truly smile after seeing you. I was so excited I would sing out loud inside my car. I just didn’t know what to do with all my happiness. I remembered that once i left your house insecure and a little depressed because I thought it was to good to be true and I didn’t want it to end. I remembered how I felt like seeing you was something I had been doing for a long time. It felt natural. It felt like home when I was with you. It’s been a long time since I felt at home.