Final Issue Regarding The Barbosa Subject

I’m almost over you, the things I’m going to say next are the result of a deep reflection and hours of meditation.It has taken me a long time to go over every single moment of our relationship and review all the moments where I noticed tiny details that I should have paid more attention to. The fact is, I don’t trust myself too much. I was blinded from all these details because I liked you so much and now, I’ve kind of noticed them. It’s funny because I know for a fact that you will never read any of this so I can talk/write whatever I want and it really doesn’t matter.

My initial psychological analysis of you was: “She has a daughter”; That’s it, just one line. That one line should have told me everything I needed to know about your psychological condition. I also should have taken into account that the father was still alive. Dark, I know.

At first, I couldn’t even look at your picture. The ending to our relationship was such a sudden event that my mind couldn’t cope with it. I denied it. Every time my cellphone rang, I thought it was you. Every time I got a text message, I thought it was you. Every time someone called my name, I hoped it was you. Every time I saw someone with red hair, I desperately hoped it was you. I was legitimately lost in how much I liked you.

At first, it made me angry. All my attempts to calm my mind and just accept the fact ended in failure. I found myself thinking of you even more than before, only now in negativity and hatred. I wrote on my wall the phrase “Ana Barbosa Ruined My Life”. I started hating all the music you liked, even if I had liked it before. I found myself cursing everything you meant to me. I cursed your laugh. I cursed your voice. I cursed your lips. I cursed the way you made me feel. I cursed your legs. I cursed your glasses. I cursed your beautiful eyes. Most of all I cursed the time I spend with you and the little details that made you break up with me. I cursed everyone else for not caring about it.

Then, it made me very sad. I fell into a deep emotional coma. I couldn’t find meaning in anything. I started wearing this huge frown every day and i just couldn’t wipe it off. My life took a harsh turn into hopelessness and whatever I had felt before I had you, only worse. I punished myself for not being good enough for you. I thought if i couldn’t be good enough for you, that I would never be good enough for anyone. I had been so bent on being everything you wanted, that I thought my greatest effort could not amount to anything. All my theories had proven nothing.

Now, I think I can take it. I still think you’re unbearably beautiful, but you’re not the only one I consider to be that way. I still think you were one of the best things to ever happen to me, but so were two or even three other women. The fact is, now my mind only thinks it’s you calling my phone every once in a while. Soon i won’t ever think about that again. I’ve erased whatever I wrote on my wall and replaced it with posters, and even though it stills pains me a little whenever I glance at your picture by accident, I’m slowly getting to the point where I don’t care.

I pride myself in the fact that I have the strange ability to not care about things. I once swore that I would never use that ability against you. For a long time I held that promise, and I cared about you like you were the only thing in the world worth caring for. The fact is, my romantic self will never be able to forget you. I will probably never be able to completely erase my memories with you, but why would I?

I was happy with you. Happier than I had been in a long time. Soon, when I’m a wiser person than I am now, i’ll be able to look back on the times I was with you and focus on the good parts. I will construct a melancholy-free environment for my memories of you. I am slowly but surely designing a regret-free context where I can think of you fearlessly like I did with every person with whom I’ve ever been happy.

I want to thank you for accepting me the way I am, even if you did have to leave me. I want to thank you for all the things you gave me and all the things you took from me. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and my soul for giving me a chance even if it did bring you a lot of internal pain. I only hope you were as happy with me as I was with you, because I was pretty damn happy. I only hope you find somebody who can make you feel beautiful every day and give you everything you deserve and more. Meanwhile, I’ll try to make someone else happy.

This is my final goodbye. This is how I’m letting go. This is me promising to get over you and live a full life and fulfill all my dreams making tiny efforts every day. This is me not saying I will forget you, I’m just making myself think of you as “something that happened”. Something that happened and changed my life for good.

Thank you very very much for changing my life.

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