After You

I write this in view of the recent events that have led me to believe that you somehow still hols a grudge against me. It is not an apology, nor is it a justification for my actions. It is more something I had wanted to write for a long time but didn’t have the courage to do so.

I am aware that I hurt you. I am so very painfully aware that I hurt you that sometimes it’s hard to keep getting up in the morning. I am aware that I had to be the bad guy of some story, and it’s a shame it had to be yours.

If you look into my eyes carefully, you will see that they are not those of a happy person. There are no lines following my grin. My eyes droop down the minute I let my guard down. I have sad eyes. I have sad eyes because I can’t forget. I have sad eyes because night after night my mind reminds me that I have done horrible things to some people, and it won’t let me forget. And night after night I stay awake thinking about how i am going to get out of this mess and about how cows are killed for meat and about how people die in plane crashes and avalanches and wars and about how one time I caused five of my friends to fail a class. It has not gone away. For me, it isn’t over. It’s never over.

That includes my love for you. It’s never like turning off a lightbulb. I still love you, intensely. I still love every person I’ve ever loved, I’ve just learned to hide it better. I can’t show love for anyone unless they love me back, it’s too painful. I’ve done it several times now, and I must admit I’m not too happy with the results. It must be very easy for you who never declares love directly, and instead waits for someone else to do it.

Perhaps when we’re both older you’ll understand. Perhaps someday you can see the things that I see. Perhaps sometime your soul will let you inside the inner workings of life and you’ll realize that what I did was everything I could do. If you do, I thank you in advance for understanding.

Every time I talk to you I’m reminded of why I did it.

This is all very messy, but I mean to get to my point eventually.

If I do know something it’s that you deserve someone better than me, and I deserve someone better than you. It’s not about being better than others, but about being better for someone. It’s all that crap I like to believe about soul mates and meeting the right person and falling in love many times and making mistakes.

Because I want someone to make mistakes with me. I want someone to hurt me by accident and intentionally and I want to feel that someone is imperfect because that’s how everything is and because they know that someday they’ll hurt me and that’s alright because they want to be with me and I want to be with them and that’s really all that matters. I want someone to realize that. I want someone to be imperfect with me.

And maybe someday you’ll understand.Maybe now that you’ve got someone else you’ll realize that you don’t need to be perfect for each other because by being together you’re already perfect as a whole. Maybe someday I’ll find somebody who loves me because they do and that’s all that matters. And maybe someday you’ll be as enlightened as I am.

And as deeply in the dark as I am.

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