There's No Such Thing As Serenity

My girlfriend just broke up with me.

So yeah, I’m pretty fucking depressed right now.

Maybe she didn’t just break up with me. Maybe she did it yesterday. I’m only realizing it right now though.

There is no such thing as good things happening to me. Good things just don’t happen to me.

There is no such thing as a True Love Theory. There is only a thing called Suffering Based Existence Theory. Which basically means that good things just don’t happen to me.

It’s a really stupid feeling. I wish I had no feelings. I wish all those things I prophetize about, like love and understanding and being a couple and helping each other would just stop being semi-real and just become bullshit. Everything I say is bullshit.

There is no such thing as love. It’s a fucking illusion. A very credible illusion.

I’m a horse, and love is a carrot I have hanging in front of me. It’s securely tied to my back so, no matter how much I really want it or how much I push myself to reach it, it will always appear desperately close and, still, always conveniently out of reach.

There is no such thing as honesty. There is, however, such a thing as rejection. Rejection is pretty fucking real, and it happens pretty fucking often. More often than I wish it did, anyway.

It’s something that once made me get up in the morning. It was a reason to live, but there’s nothing worth living for. It doesn’t matter how much you want it or how much effort you make to get it.

It doesn’t matter if you treat a girl like a princess or talk to her every day or if you make her feel loved or if you realize that when you look into her eyes the world is such a better place than how it seems when you’re alone. It doesn’t matter if you tell her she’s beautiful or write her pretty poems or if you really love her and don’t tell her because you’re afraid that if you tell her she’ll turn away from you.

Hell, I didn’t even tell her I loved her and she broke up with me anyway. All that crap about living life to the fullest or going out with people you like ignoring how wrong they are for you or liking every fiber of another human being, it’s all bullshit.

There is no such thing as a point between anger and serenity. There are only extremes. Either you’re happy, or you’re miserable. Right now, I’m pretty fucking miserable.

Goddamn everything, I did nothing. Her life will be completely unaffected by my passing. She doesn’t care about me. There is no such thing as bilateral love. I love her, she doesn’t love me. That’s always the case. Heaven split me with falling lightning, she doesn’t give an honest fuck about me.

I hate everything again. I hate the grass, the trees, dogs and babies. I hate cars and motorcycles. I hate books and computers and cellphones. I hate windows and roses and chocolates and kisses.

It goes to show that there’s no such thing as good things happening to me. It goes to show that there is no such thing as True Love. There is no such thing as being happy. There is no such fucking thing as serenity.

FUCK THE WORLD, I’M GETTING OFF.

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