A Little Heads Up Would've Been Nice

NO, don’t let me interrupt you. Please continue. You were saying something about how you wanted to fall in love with me or something. No? Oh god, ok, ummm…let me get my thoughts organized. Ok. (Deep Breath) That’s all good, I understand. No really, I do. You want to be in love with me but you can’t because of some overtrusting trauma you had a while back. Yes, you’re not the first girl I’ve dated with one of those. Now, you should know that all I want is you. I don’t care if you’ve got a trauma, I can wait. I don’t care if you’ve somehow made yourself reject everybody in your life, that’s fine. All I need is for you to care about me. Like, a little if you don’t want to overdo it. A tiny bit of caring, and I’ll be made.

Of course, you can’t honestly care about me. You barely know me. I mean, yeah I may tell you pretty things and always be anxious to talk to you but that doesn’t matter does it? No, I’m just an incidental character in all of this. Hell, I’m probably one of those characters that die pretty early on in the movie and only barely help the story advance. So, of course you cannot care about me. For all you know, I don’t exist when I’m not with you. Which is pretty much all the time.

Speaking about not being with you, I’m still waiting for you to call me or something. I mean, I don’t mind waiting. Well, maybe I do a little bit. Ok, I’m very impatient. Like, very impatient, most of the time. Today, I was really very patient. I mean, I saw it coming, but I was very patient. You said you would call me or message me about when I could see you and I said that was fine. Sure, I had been telling you I was like drop-dead excited for days and how I couldn’t wait to see you and all that things I say when I’m really excited. Of course nothing happened. I saw it coming.

You never called me, or messaged me to let me know I was not going to see you. So I just sat in my room literally with the psychological capacity of a dog wagging its tail. Denying things I could do so that I did not have to interrupt them to go with you at short moment’s notice. I read. I watched some TV. I painted. For Hours. For hours, every two minutes I checked every single intercommunication device for a sign or a message or even a facebook poke or something that would let me know that you wanted me to know that I was not going to see you today.

These days, I’ve stopped smoking so I’ve got no way out from reality other than music which really can only get me so far. I was very calm this morning, and I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t because I was finally going to see you. I told myself since it was probably not going t happen, and I knew it, I could not be calm for that reason. But I probably was kidding myself on kidding myself.

So I don’t really blame you. I know you’ve got stuff to do and I respect that. I know you don’t always have the means to communicate with me and I understand. Heck, maybe you really do want to see me but are just caught up in some kind of never-ending waterfall of chores or something. I say god bless. But please, if you for some reason believe that you may not be able to see me that evening because of something you dreamed or some weird premonition or because somebody told you, please tell me so. Let me know. A couple words and it’ll be like removing a band-aid. You won’t have to deal with me and I won’t have to deal with the immeasurable depression I fall into every time somebody I love very much ignores me for an extended period or time.

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