How Am I Not Myself?

It’s no secret that I’m frequently in love. It’s no secret that I love intensely. Today, I want to share something about me, something I may have written before, but something I have to write mainly because I need to get it our of my system. Coming up to my 14 years of life, I had always been a nice, mature child obsessed with being what everyone wanted him to be. I made my homework, I studied diligently, I rarely made fun of anybody. When I turned 14 something happened and I changed. That change has made itself more evident as I grow up. Now, I’m 21 years old. I want to be a writer.

I’m impatient. I think way too fast and that had brought me my fair share of problems so far. One thing I can tell you for sure is I apologize to no one. Sure, that’s not to be taken in a literal context because I’m constantly apologizing to everyone. My point is sometimes we take different more challenging paths that we should have. Sure, you could be a lawyer or a doctor or an engineer and have a successful life and a beautiful model wife and two perfect kids in your Malibu beach house, but sometimes we don’t want that. Sometimes we want to be dangerous. Sometimes we want to take things way too fast. We don’t have to apologize to anyone for this. The way I chose as my way is precisely what I want to do. Not what I’m supposed to do. Not what people expect me to do. It’s what I, deep down, truly want to do.

Sure, I fall in love quickly, but all poets do. Sure, I’m depressive often, most writers are. Sure, I may seem like all over the place and suddenly go quiet and just stare at something for a long time, most thinking people do. That’s who I am. That’s who I want to be. I want to kiss my loved one for hours and just stare at her eyes until I feel I’ve had enough and then kiss some more. I like to constantly declare my identity, because I like my identity. I like me. I built me. I’ll never get tired of saying it and I couldn’t care less about what other people think. I’m in love. Fuck everything else.

I’m Nikolas Murdock.


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