I really like you, so I think you should know a couple of things. I’ve never been good with choosing words. I do practice the art, but I’ve just never been good at it. This makes me terribly frightened of making mistakes with words. It’s happened way too many times in the past with so many people, that it’s something I’ve just learned to get over when it happens. I’m not good looking, or attractive, or even that good at anything specific, and that leaves me very little space to show what I’m really worth.
I’ve written so many bitter things. So many words I’ve set down to paper are based on hatred and depression. I’ve more than often lost hope. I’ve written about sadness and wanting to die and not knowing what to do anymore. I’ve written about killing and changing the world through violence. I’ve been lost so often that I never actually thought there was a way out of my labyrinth. It’s so much more comfortable to just stay in a state of perpetual numbness not really doing anything and just getting by on others.
I’ve been jealous of my friends and judgmental of acquaintances and generally suspicious of how everybody got along. I’ve been condescending to people I care about only because they have made a big mistake, and I’ve been greedy with what I have. I’ve completely ignored people I used to care about only because I’m jealous of something they have and I don’t or because they seem to know more about what they want than I do.
I’m boring. I’ve got shaggy hair and a scruffy beard that barely grows. I’ve got boring, dull eyes. One is actually lower than the other. I have pimples. I’m fat. I don’t exercise. I don’t sleep well. I smoke. I drink. I play videogames. I wear t-shirts. I don’t use moisturizer. I am not particularly smart, or interesting, or bright. I like nerdy things like anime and manga. I’m not strong.
I don’t really care about anything. I live on the principle of doing things I want, when I want, how I want. It drives me. It keeps me sane. It keeps me from falling in the vortex of social acceptance and correct behavior i fear so much. I fear…so many things. I am so afraid all the time, it’s not even funny. I’m afraid of people, of the sky, the sun, cars, businesses, politics, government, homework, work in general, failure, rejection, never ending nothingness, life, being held in embrace, kisses, classrooms in general, computers, books on computers, money, and basically everything created by mankind. I live with all those things, because I don’t want to be sent to an insane asylum. That would really ruin my plans of being a genius later on.
That’s just the thing. I wasn’t born a genius. I am not very good with numbers and I’ve never been particularly good at anything, but I’m working on it. Every day I tell myself I’m not a genius yet, but I’m getting there. Step by step. Little by little. Everyday I read something, I watch something, I listen to something. I get inspired. I grow. I learn. If I wasn’t born a genius, I’ll make myself into one. I’ll surpass everybody. I don’t need stupid leadership or government procedures. I am me. I am awesome. I am going to get out of here someway. I know I’m gonna be somebody someday, and I want you to be a part of it.
I need you to be part of it.
I really, really, really like you.