When They Commit Suicide – Chapter 1

Is this thing on?

Can anyone tell me if this thing is on?

I don’t know if this thing is on. It should have a little red light around here somewhere that tells you when it is on. Is it recording? You listening?

You wanna hear something good? The reason you never got to visit any electronics factory when you were a kid is because all the big companies have their manufacturers in Asia. Nobody over here wants to do that kind of job without charging a pretty penny, so they keep their factories where people don’t complain. You would think after saving all that money they would at least put a little red light to tell you when you’re recording.

I don’t even know if they’ll actually deliver this to you, but if you’re listening, this is my last gift to you. This is my life, recorded on a tiny machine made in some god forsaken town somewhere in China. Made in China, like the country wasn’t big enough to put another kind of clue to where exactly this piece of shit was made.

You wanna hear something good? When they sentence you to death they actually ask you if there’s anything you’d like to do before they off you. Some guy before me asked for some paper and pencils to write, but they told him pencils could be used as potential weapons so he didn’t get anything. Another guy asked to be given a book he had been reading before he was sentenced. I asked for something to record my voice in, and here I am.

You wanna hear something good? You also get a last meal of whatever you want within 40 bucks. Apparently it’s some kind of very old tradition in prisons. Like, John Wayne Gacy asked for a dozen deep-fried shrimp, a bucket of original recipe chicken from KFC, French fries, and a pound of strawberries. Some Nazi guy in Israel asked for a bottle of Israeli Wine. Ted Bundy declined and was given the traditional items: steak, eggs, hash browns, toast, milk, coffee, juice, butter, and jelly.

When they asked me, I couldn’t think of anything. I asked for a dozen Dunkin Donuts and a bottle of sweet tea. I’ve already eaten all of it just so I don’t have to interrupt the tape to continue eating. I may still pause it to use the can or something. Not for long, just a few minutes.

Is this thing on?

If you’re listening, you may hear a lot of echo in the recording. That’s because my cell is small. Maybe I should have asked for a good bed or a radio to listen to music. Business before pleasure, I guess. I have the whole ward to myself, so I am sure no one apart from me and you will hear this. Of course, if they do deliver this they will probably listen to it first. Let them, there’s nothing here they don’t know already.

You wanna hear something good? This chick, Aileen Wuornos, she killed six men . There’s a movie based on her life and everything.  Really good movie, the main actress won an Oscar or something. She ordered a hamburger from the prison cafeteria. A hamburger, some fries and a cup of coffee. Talk about making your last meal go to waste. I guess I am not really one to talk. This other guy, Gary Gilmore, he killed two dudes and then demanded to be executed for it. He asked for a hamburger, baked potato and three shots of whisky. Gives a whole new meaning to the idea of “Free Food” doesn’t it?

You wanna hear something good? Have you heard of the Lethal Injection? It’s one of the things they kill bad people with. The gist of it is, it puts you to sleep and then stops your heart and lungs. You don’t survive. You can’t survive. It just works. This guy, Rommell Broom, he was the first guy to have his execution postponed after the prison guys failed to maintain an IV through which they could administer the injection.

The other thing they might do is called electrocution, and the name pretty much explains it. It uses the famous electric chair, which is made of wood so the ground does not get all fucked up from the shock. The gist of it is, they tie you up and put electrodes in your body. Then they really let that electricity do wonders with your nervous system. This guy, Willie Francis, he was the first person to survive the electric chair after a drunken prison guard had fucked up the set up of the chair. Basically this guy was tied up nice and all and was electrocuted and all, but he didn’t die. He just sat there in some immense kind of pain none of us is really able to explain since we’ve never actually felt it. He used to read the paper a lot and write stuff on his cell walls. Most of us do too.

You wanna hear something good? The electric chair was actually invented by some guys working under Thomas Edison. The idea came from a dentist, some guy from a committee assigned with the task of developing a new way to kill people. The new method was set to replace hanging which at the time was considered inhumane. Two guys were then hired by brilliant Mr. Edison to actually make the electric chair. This guy, Harold P. Brown, he wanted to use Alternating Current in the chair after his magnificent teacher, Mr. Edison, had told him it was more lethal than Direct Current.

You wanna hear something good? Something really good? These two guys, Brown and that other guy, they proved Alternate Current was more dangerous than Direct Current by publicly killing animals by running AC through their bodies. The story is, they convinced the committee. Let’s think about that the next time we use a light bulb.

They can go to hell if they think I’m gonna sit in that electric chair. Edison can go fuck himself in his grave for all I care. I’m getting a Lethal Injection. That at least will give the guys in the execution chamber something challenging to do. I have really thin veins.

Is this thing on?

I’ve already wasted precious minutes of tape with my history lesson.

Can you hear me?

If you’re listening, this is the story of my life, the way I always wanted it to be told. This is me. This is me telling it the way I remember it, be it the truth or not.


Let me start with the beginning.

Not at the beginning of everything, but at the true beginning, when things really started.


Is this thing on?

This is everything I’ve ever wanted to say


Let’s start.

Father forgive me.


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