I don’t know what to write anymore. I keep repeating myself stuff I already know, and none of it makes a difference. I’m in a very lonely place.
No one knows me enough to notice when I’m feeling down. Concordantly, no one asks me what is wrong, ever. I have tried restlessly to help myself; I watch movies, I read books, I get distracted doing sports or playing video games, I took up the hobby of baking, I make myself tea, I go out with my friends, I listen to the same song 100 times. Nothing seems to work. I figure I need other people to get better, but I don’t know anybody. I have friends, but they’ve got their own problems.
My mind is too powerful. It definitely feels like it’s not even mine. Like it’s a separate entity who has enslaved me, and all I can do is follow orders. Like i’m tied, sitting on a chair while my mind plays exactly the same images from my past. Like it deliberately wants me to be sad and depressed.
If there is one thing I know I like, it’s writing; but I do not think anybody is going to fall in love with my words. Words are a hard thing to accept. They’re honest. They’re harsh most of the time and, if you use them right, people will think you are full of yourself. This is, mainly, because words are used in a very carefree way nowadays. They are hard on untrained ears. They seem strange and out of place in the common world of normal people.
Meanwhile, I’m trying to write a mystery. It’s quite hard. It has much more elements than your average drama or comedy. You have to think of the mystery and the solution, while also pretending to not know the solution. Plot points have to be much deeper as you very slowly unravel the solution to your mystery, giving one clue at a time to your spectator. Also, you have to deviate the audience’s suspicion to a suspicious character, while mantaining your culprit out of the spotlight. Finally, your last showdown has to portrait both the main character and the antagonist as powerful, intelligent being with an equal footing. Needless to say, it’s a lot of things to take into account, and it keeps me in a kind of depressive mood.