Your Eyes, They Shine Like My Shoes.

Eyes can tell you a lot about a person. I don’t mean literally, since it’s not proven that eyes have acquired the ability of speech, but in the way that you can tell a lot about a person by looking at their eyes. Of course, if eyes suddenly started talking, they would probably need a long time before being able to construct a proper sentence in a set language. Plus, eyes are not even independent living beings, they depend on the human’s circulatory system, so having a mind of its own would leave eyes in a very uncomfortable symbiotic relationship. But I digress.

I came to this realization when I realized gay and effeminate people move their eyes in a very specific way that lets people from miles away know they are effeminate and gay. Not that there is anything wrong with being gay. I just noticed. Not that I’m gay and spend most of my time looking at gay people, I assure you that’s not the case. I just noticed. Please stop judging me.

Anyway, if you walk into a store and one of the female clerks starts eyeing you intensely, it may be because of various things.

  1. She is hopelessly in love with you. She has been waiting for you her entire life, and now that she’s found you, there is nothing stopping her from marrying the hell out of you and being happy for the rest of her life. You can try to convince her otherwise, but she knows it’s true love and she would roundhouse kick a entire army of ninja midgets just to kiss you. This it what her mother was talking about when she said she would fall in love with the perfect man.
  2. She hates what you’re wearing.
  3. Fuck that. She loves you. You better man up and tell her you love her too because damn she looks hot like a magma covered forest in flames. This is no time to be a pussy boy who cries home to his mother. This is the time to prove wrong all those bullies from elementary school who said no one would ever like you. This is the time to march up to her and rip off her shirt in the middle of the store.

Indeed, you can tell a lot about someone by just looking at his/her eyes. You can also tell a lot about animals by looking at their eyes. For example, my dog, Chelsea, has very kind eyes. They are filled with wishful thinking and an unmitigated taste for adventure. On the other hand, the eyes of the black mamba seem to be filled with an uncontrollable desire to kill every cell in your body and leave you an ugly poisoned mess of insides and rotten skin. Chelsea wants to go out and play for a while, maybe take a walk on the park, to be fed properly and nothing else. The black mamba wants to have its fangs inside you, any way it can. Chelsea enjoys lying on the grass and chasing little bugs around the garden. The black mamba enjoys death and world domination.

It’s true, you can tell a lot about someone just by looking at their eyes for a prolonged period of time, but you could also assume wrong things. This is why looking at people’s eyes takes a lot of practice. It’s also true that, in some cases, you can assume nothing by looking at someone’s eyes. Some eyes are not a window to the soul, but rather an Iron door over a password-protected vault behind a secret tree in a secret forest of identical secret trees filled with various species of wolves and vicious bears who want nothing but to eat your still beating heart marinated in a delicious spinach sauce, behind a locked door guarded very attentively by a Black Mamba. If it seems that way, please don’t assume anything unless you are the bravest person in the world, and I really doubt that you are the bravest person in the world because then you would be Ernest Hemingway, and Mr. Hemingway is dead.


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