There is something about me that drives people away. There is something about me that makes me undesirable. It is something I haven’t found yet, but it keeps people away no matter how hard I try to convince them that I’m perfectly desirable. Sometimes they know I’m a nice guy, they like me, but they don’t get any closer. This something convinces them that it doesn’t matter how similar I am to them, or how compatible I am with them, they must not get familiar with me. I call this, ‘The Unknown Disadvantage’.
I first noticed The Unknown Disadvantage when I was in the 9th grade. There was this girl I liked very much. She was funny, well-mannered and smart. She was pretty too. We became something like best friends for a while, and we could have started a romantic relationship, but there was something keeping her away. Despite my best efforts, she did not want to surrender herself to the idea that she might want to be my girlfriend. The Unknown Disadvantage worked its magic on her so strongly, that she purposefully distanced herself from me.
Ever since then, The Unknown Disadvantage has made its way inside the minds of almost everyone I know. Everyone is afraid of it, and prefer to play it safe. They go out with other, safer people, with no Unknown Disadvantages. They fall in love with normal people. They let others fall in love with them right in front of my face. The Unknown Disadvantage gives them a solid reason to ignore any of my good traits.
I love/hate everything, but I love/hate The Unknown Disadvantage the most. There is nothing that frustrates me more than being unable to connect with people with whom I want to make a connection. It makes me very sad, most of the time, and it drives me crazy.
I have another name for The Unknown Disadvantage. It is ‘The Ultimate But’. I gave it that name due to the nature of the conversations I have with people who reject me. It almost always goes something like “Yes, you’re this and that and you do this and that and you’re kinda cute but…” and they never finish the sentence. Most of the time I finish it for them. I finish it with the phrase I despise the most in the world. I finish their sentence, with something that’ll make them feel right about what they’re doing. I let them off the hook, I declare my knowledge of The Unknown Disadvantage and I lie.
I finish it with “Don’t worry. I understand. It’s ok”