If You Only Knew

Today is one of those days when I wish I could kill everything I touch. When I feel like destroying everything around me. Today is one of those days when I see the bad side of everyone and everything I come across. This is one of my Super Villain days. If I had a wrecking ball I would have already demolished the school. If I had a gun, at least half of the people I see every day would already be dead.Of course, consequences keep me from destroying the world. Specifically, the fear of consequences.

There’s a hot girl about 15 meters from where I’m sitting, and she’s alone. Of course, I won’t ever talk to her. Even if she does seem to look in my direction pretty often, I think it’s obvious that I’m to scarred and terrified to say anything,  because, according to pretty much everyone, that’s not the way things work. Plus, she seems like she’s waiting for someone. God, I wish I had my guitar right now. Anyway, if I go talk to her, she’ll immediately assume I’m flirting (which is kind of what I intend to do) and she’ll blow me off like all the others. It’s a pity because she’s pretty too. Not absurdly pretty, in a “Fall in love at first sight kind of way”  but in a discrete, silent kind of way.

The guy she was waiting for seems to have arrived. I don’t think it’s her boyfriend. He looks dorky and small. He sat on the opposite side of the table so they must not be very close. From where I am I can’t see his body language, but hers tells me that she sees him as nothing more than a friend. I seem to remember a time when the urge to talk to her would be so strong I would even get depressed when she left. Like how she’s leaving right now, but today I don’t seem much of a damn about anything.

I mean, I’ve been in my share of one-sided love stories. I’ve been in unilateral love more than enough times to reduce the experience to a couple of seconds. I know exactly what to do when I start getting interested in someone. I ignore the urge. It never leads to anything remotely good. Mostly, it guides me down a horrible path filled with lava and packs of blood-thirsty seagulls that are very slow at eating away humans blindly following their heart. Sure, some parts of the ride are fun. The beginning is quite pleasant. Everything else is just an emotional roller coaster in which, regrettably, i get off much too soon.

Dammit, sometimes I fear I might be schizophrenic. Then again, I don’t know what actual schizophrenia feels like. It feels like a thousand different voices shout different things directly into my brain, completely ignoring my ears.

When I was a kid, I dreamed that pure, white angel wings sprouted from my back, and I flew away into the morning sky with green pastures below me. There would be a single tree in the middle of the prairie, and I would sit below it and rest. I was fearless, I was completely alone, and I was happy. I used to think that, if I had wings, I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. I wouldn’t need anyone. If ever I was in trouble, I would just fly away and everything would just disappear.

I don’t dream about wings anymore. I’ve abandoned the notion that one day I won’t have to depend on anyone. I no longer want to do things alone. I dream of doing whatever I can down here on earth, with what I have.


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