Numbness is a very strange feeling. Scratch that, I don’t think it can be described as a feeling. It can be most accurately explained as the lack of feeling. It’s like an automatic setting you put yourself into to get by, and that’s exactly what it does. It helps you get by, not fantastically or even above average, you just get by. It’s like being tied to a very slow roller coaster going up and down. If the ride were going faster, maybe you would feel something, but it’s going desperately slow and you can’t stop it, so you give up and let it take you wherever it wants. I can see why some people choose to live in this state. It’s kind of comfortable, but it’s very empty. I don’t LOVE it, but I can’t do anything about it right now.
I don’t think I’m physically depressive anymore. I think I’m more of a depressive-by-choice person. There are honestly very few things to be happy about at any given time, and being depressive helps you appreciate them more when they do come around. Take kisses, for example. I’m sure people who are in stable relationships right now kiss-around like nobody’s business. There’s a point where you stop really kissing and start doing it as a function. I know, I’ve seen it happen. So when you really want a goddamn kiss, it helps you to grasp the true romantic value of it and what it does to you physically and psychologically. People often say that you need hugs to get by, but that’s just because kisses are much harder to obtain. Leaving sex aside they are the diamonds of the romantic world. They symbolize the entire existence of love by just being there. Sure, the sexual act means(at least in the romantic/dramatic sense) full synchronization of the sexual partners into a single entity, but kisses are always the last goodbyes, always the actions that signify the beginning and the end.
Of course, kisses derived from not loving, or not loving well which are one and the same, tend to sap the energy out of you rather than fill you with it. A truly memorable kiss cannot be reproduced or staged. When you give drunk kisses, they don’t feel special. They feel good, physically/anatomically speaking, but psychologically it gives you no more satisfaction than a candy bar.I’ve actually heard stories of people who were on the verge of committing suicide (and I mean literally standing on the edge of a building) and have been saved by a good, old-fashioned kiss. So if I get a good kiss, full of meaning and love, after this drought, I hope it’ll feel like fireworks going off in my mouth. It probably won’t, because life is real and crappy and infinitely dull, but at least it’ll feel pleasant.