Second Hand Post-Mortem Preparations

I don’t know how to start this. I’ve been erasing lines again and again trying to find the perfect one to start with. I want it to be special and significant, but I can’t find one significant enough to satisfy my hunger for perfection. I don’t want to start again by saying you’re beautiful, but the problem is that you are. You are so unbearably beautiful in every conceivable way that it consumes me. It breaks my balance. It’s unbearable how I forget everything just by looking at your eyes.

The sad fact is, you appear to have that effect on every man you are related with. I can’t stand to be on the edge of a huge circle of which you are the center. The whole world is just a play staged around you and I play a minor, completely incidental character. My existence to you must have no more importance than a passing thought or a leaf falling to a tree. Yet, despite all this, why is it that I cannot completely erase the thought of you from my mind? Why is it that you hold such importance in my world?

I haven’t been able to forget you for more than five hours at a time. I haven’t been able to be indifferent to you, as I planned. I have not been able to antagonize you, despite my best efforts to do so. It’s like every movement of your body casts a spell on mine and makes me completely unable to move. Every subtle movement of your hips makes me evaporate. Every time you smile I lose a few brain cells. Every time we may eye contact it’s like a fireworks show going on inside my mind. Every time you speak everything else goes quiet, as it fearing it could be the last time I hear your voice. It’s an addiction.

Yet, it eats me away. Every day I die a little. Every waking hour that I spend alone, thinking of you, slowly drains away my life force. Just by writing this I’m probably kissing good-bye two decades of my existence. Every time some other man talks to you I briefly feel like I’m going to faint from all the jealousy. Given the fact that it happens several times throughout the day, I must admit i’m getting used to the feeling of fainting, but the jealousy never goes away. It’s always there like a clinging feeling of suspense and doom.

But everything is quickly fading away.


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