I’m doing ok now. I guess, as my idol Lemony Snicket says, despair is something new every time you encounter it. It’s tough, it’s depressing, and it feels very much like receiving an honest kick to the balls. So now, conclusions about the experience.
If we see our lives as lines, or books, or movies, as I like to see them, we realize everybody lives a different book. I live a book, you live a book, the guys walking past me in the traffic light live a book. Sometimes we want someone else to be an important character in our book. Sometimes a bunch of people want the same person to be in their book, and that might be uncomfortable for that person. I can’t relate.
I am a writer, or at least i consider myself to be a writer. I’m not an awesome writer, I’m not particularly smart or funny, and I must admit I’ve got some pretty serious psychological issues I have learnt to live with through the years, but i digress. I like to think that one of the things I do best as a writer is to perceive different points of view. It helps me to understand things better. It also drives me mad sometimes. Also, I am easily able to find the relationships between things. It helps me to understand things. It also drives me mad sometimes. I understand. I see your point.
Sure, things frustrate me. Loneliness frustrates me. Obsession frustrates me. Love frustrates me. Life frustrates me. Rejection frustrates me, in a big way. However, frustration is something that will always be there. Frustration, rejection, obsession and loneliness have somehow become constants in my life. They are my friends. My homies. We go out and drink beer together. We tell each other dark jokes. We meet often. I openly hate them, but somehow they seem to love me. They want to be with me. They are interested in what I’m doing, where I’m going, who I’m with. They’re a bunch of annoying bastards, but they like me.
Sometimes let darkness take you over. Sometimes you stop fighting and let go. Sometimes you need to realize that despite your best efforts, things don’t HAVE to end up the way you want them. Sometimes your imagination is so strong that it imagines every possible outcome and you end up believing the positive ones and trap yourself in an endless circle of thinking things are finally going to go your way. Sometimes people don’t believe what you say because their brains create a story in which what you are saying makes absolutely no sense, or simply, what you’re saying s not convenient for them. Sometimes people just don’t want you to be in your book.
Sometimes you have to stop trying. Sometimes it’s just not going to happen. It’s ok. Everything is ok.