Lost Any Fear of Death

I recently hit a new low on life. I must admit it was a very disappointing and embarrassing moment in life and I have a hard time just thinking about it, and a much harder time writing it down, so you’ll excuse me if I choose not to write about it right now. Maybe in the future I’ll write a screenplay about it or something, because if there’s something that makes good films it’s bad decisions and lowest moments.

In other news, it’s only after you have reached your lowest point that you begin to grasp what you view as your present highest point. I can say without mistake that I no longer fear death, and that’s a good thing. Writers should not fear death, or vampires, or zombies, or monsters, or leaping off buildings. A man I admire once said, and I quote him quoting somebody else; “Nietzsche once said ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. What he failed to say is that it almost kills you”. I do fear near death moments. I do fear reaching lowest points, but I don’t fear what comes next.

I write to free my feelings. It’s hard and it takes courage. It takes a lot of fucking courage to ask people to read what you write, mainly because, unless you write about glimmering vampires or self-help books, your writing is a large fucking window to what you really feel and don’t let anyone else see, but the order also really counts. I, for example, have always had a progression in the things that I write. There’s highs, and there’s lows, and there’s stuff in between.

So right now, I feel quite good. I don’t really know how I will feel tomorrow, or the day after that, but I know I will work to reach that high. I will still write about death and despair, mainly because I think that’s what I do best. I do have love stories and happy endings but those are mainly in images, and I suck at drawing so you probably wont see so much of that.

Sometimes when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can give thanks for having something to strive for. We can thank whoever it is we believe in for being able to get up and keep walking, and that´s probably what I´ll do right now. We keep walking.

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